you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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