I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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