Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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