Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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