half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
