Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.