I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.