mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
She bit a glass in half.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
