how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
