i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
