My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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