Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
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