the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
