i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
