Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
