last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
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i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I want her autograph on my taint
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
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Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
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