Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
