I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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