"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
