Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
