Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
