I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
