Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
