There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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