there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
