He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
