you're like a bully in the Christmas story
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Your shirt... Was in my pants
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
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