and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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