K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
