VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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