mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
