and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Randomize
