I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
