I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
