I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
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I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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