she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
