you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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