Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
