Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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