My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
