It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.