I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
