i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
