Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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