If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
