i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
