You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
