Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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