it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
