I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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