Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You have to summon your inner elephant
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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