Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
