I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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