Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
two words...techno handjob
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
