I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Randomize
