i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
