I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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