I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
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didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
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I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.