You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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