u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
